"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.""
"His staff would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"Do not breed from this man."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This person is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing that holds it all together."
"A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than a normal ignoramus."
"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"'I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A prime candidate for natural deselection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was finished using it."
"Gates are down, light is flashing, but no train."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close to him you can hear the sea."
"Its hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge—he only gargled."
"It takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the mouse is dead."

Job Interviews
Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewers office.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Why am I here?"
Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
I get excited very easily.
Once a week, I usually feel hot all over.
I am fascinated by fire.
I like tall women.
Whenever a man is with a woman he is usually thinking about sex.
People are always watching me.
If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct.
I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I never get hungry.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you and you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: Who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear ear rings.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy or English.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and then do it.